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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Completely lost....

Ever have those days where even surrounded by people you feel completely lost and alone? I seem to be having these days more and more....and more, and I hate it. I feel like I am going crazy or turning into my mother. It seems that the last month I feel all alone. Even around my kids and husband and they don't seem to care. In fact tonight as they were leaving to go to mutual, not one of them even said bye to me or gave me a kiss and a hug like I do them whenever I go anywhere. Not one. I went outside before they left and said wow, not one of you said bye to me. Only after a few minutes did my hubby run back in and gave me a hug to my back, say bye, and then gave me a kiss. It was appreciated but why did I have to ask or say something in the first place? I just don't understand why it is so hard for anyone to show me love. I don't feel like I am asking for the world or anything on a silver platter but geesh.... I don't ask for jewelry, though it would be nice to get something some time, I don't ask for expensive cars, or trips, or anything. I just ask for a little romance here or there, an I love you, maybe my handheld, a nice long hug, or geesh maybe a hug and for someone to say goodbye to me before they leave to go somewhere. I don't do things like make dinner, do laundry, bandage cuts or scrapes, drive kids here or there, go grocery shopping, buy kids this or that, keep the house clean, work part time, or go to school part time for a big Thank you or anything. But I really would love to be loved and appreciated. Not even on Mother's Days do I get appreciated or things done for me. Last year my kids made breakfast in bed...for my husband and then I was brought something too. This year....my family completely forgot about me until I had woken up at 10 and got in the shower(I did appreciate getting to sleep in as that never happens)and it was oh..happy mother's day here is a card I just made for you because we forgot. Don't get me wrong I did appreciate them but it doesn't make a mom feel loved at all. How often do I plan things ahead of time...Father's Day....Christmas...Birthdays.....kids playdates....what they need....or want..... Well....it's pity party night because well...I might as well face it. I have no one, I trust or let alone that I can talk to about how I feel. No friends, not my kids, no family, not even my husband. He just leaves me alone except for when he is interested in taking care of his needs. When I'm sad or upset he thinks I am mad(which I don't get because I'm not yelling or snappy), so he leaves me alone and gives me the silent treatment when that's the last thing I need. SO I literally have no one to tell how I am feeling and how lonely I am. No one seems to care... I don't understand how my husband can't see that I just need some extra attention with no sex involved. I can't even count how many times I have said as such and yet here my cup continues to remain empty...not just from him but everyone. My parents chose not to be parents a long time ago and as time has gone on, I have forgiven them but it doesn't make the pain any less. The pain of abandonment like that just doesn't go away. Then when I need some quality time with someone filling my cup up with love....why is it so hard to get and from my husband? I just don't get it. I give...I love to give of myself in serving and helping others. Doing things for my kids, taking them where they need to go, helping them when they need help, helping friends when they are in a pinch and need things or help with things, giving support to others and my husband, giving my attention and time to them, yet why can I not receive any. I do random acts of kindness, I do little love notes or cards for my kids and husband, take things to friends when I can when they are sick and not for any pat on the back or applaud. I just do it because it makes them happy, smile, or feel better. I do not consider myself selfish as I give of myself often. I try to live by Christ example of lose yourself in service.....I am just wanting to be loved. Why I am so difficult for people to love and yet so easy for people to judge, criticize, ignore, abuse, abandon, and withdraw from. I also don't understand why someone who should know me so well think I am mad when I am sad. Two completely different emotions that aren't that hard to decipher body language from or at least I think. I am just completely at a loss....and feel all alone. Maybe that is selfish of me to want someone to fill up my cup and make me feel loved. Some might and have said...well you don't have enough faith or trust in God. Well, maybe I don't because since I was little I wasn't good enough for anyone to love so it's hard for me to think that Heavenly Father does too unconditionally. Yes, I see blessings in my life, I see that I have been blessed, I have three wonderfully good kids and a husband who has stuck with me for 21 years. But I also have had a grandparent that I wasn't good enough to have them want to be a part of my life, I had a very abusive step-father, then a mother that changed into someone so different from my early childhood someone I didn't recognize anymore. Then later chose to sever our relationship that wasn't healthy anyways. Then a father who chose to not have a thing to do with me or my children. So it's hard for me to see it. I try my best to pray to Heavenly Father and to pour my heart out to him and await an answer, serve others, do good deeds, ask for forgiveness for my flaws,and lack of patience, and I will continue to do so until I meet him. Until then I will probably always feel completely alone and completely lost...

Monday, January 6, 2014

The Darkness of D sets in...

Depression is such a horrible thing to have to go through ever single month. I am sure for me it is hormone related as well as most definitely genetic. The times that it is the worst is when the people that brought me into this world after choosing to cut me out of their lives long ago, decide to call me to ask me to do something for them instead of asking how I am doing and or how my kids are doing. All the pain of abandonment comes back all fresh and new, like a cut that was healing and is reopened. Then to top that off, having a husband that doesn't get your cues that you need some quality time with them, or actually make the effort to comfort you when he knows your sad and upset but just lets you go around and gives you your space while your hurting when you really just want to be held, comforted, and loved. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man! Patient, thoughtful, kind, loyal, supportive, and a great father. He is use to being doted on, pampered, given affection, accolades, and is content with everything around him and doesn't ask for anything, always willing to serve. But, serve in the areas of my love language....yeah not so much and it hurts. We have had a few discussions over the years about what my needs are and what his are and well, my needs always seem to be neglected (story of my life) and my cup is empty and it's hard to keep out pouring something that I am not getting my cup filled with. I'm not talking sex. I'm talking hugs, gentle gestures to so his love to me, holding my hand, snuggling, vocal affirmation of his love regularly, and attention. I know, I know...I'm needy. But wouldn't you if your parents abandoned you and never showed you that they loved you other than criticize you, badger you for your weight or looks, or used you to be their punching bag, or or run you or others down to you? Would you want the one person you love with ALL YOUR HEART, every fiber of your being, to SHOW you how much they love you on a regular basis? I'm not saying I want gifts or material things. I just want and NEED verbal affirmation, affection, and physical touch in a loving non sexual way. Is that so hard to ask for? I would think not. But, guess it's not in his makeup. Ive asked a few times and it's still the same. I just feel so empty inside. I guess my expectations are just too high or I expect too much.

Friday, July 5, 2013

I can't believe I haven't blogged in OVER a YEAR! Hello 2013!

I can't believe I haven't blogged in OVER a YEAR! I said I wouldn't be one of those bloggers when I first started blogging! Ummm....well, never say never. Gosh where did I leave off.....Oh just after my littlest sister's wedding. Such a wonderful day! So much has gone on since then. Lots of ups and some downs. Lots of running around kiddos with various activities such as basketball for Morgan and Donovan, play dates with Cali and some friends. School kept Ehren and I really busy all last year and then took a semester off starting January due to Morgan's basketball games and other activities coming up during the beginning of 2013. Lost a nephew at the beginning of the year, that was so devastating and then for my sister to loose twin nieces a few weeks (barely seven months later) ago was another blow to our family and took quite a toll on me. It's been a hard year of loss but uplifting to know that I will meet them someday. They must have been such special souls to just have needed their bodies for a very brief moment. Had to evaluate a few relationships and where I was at, how busy my life is as of late with two teens, a four year old, sports for them, play dates, working part time evenings and weekends, and going to school part time, and that I don't have the time or the energy for unhealthy relationships that only bring me down. We took a trip on a whim to Flagstaff for Donovan's birthday, so we let the kids miss school in order to go. So we woke up early and got on the road. We watched movies driving up until we got closer to Flagstaff,then we looked at the views and enjoyed seeing all the beautiful trees. When we were coming through the mountains we got excited to see snow on the ground. When we got into Flagstaff we grabbed lunch, drove around for a little while to find a good spot to play. We found a great spot and play for HOURS! We attempted to make snow men, ran around for hours having snowball fights, making snow angels, and just having a grand ol' time. Oh yeah and we purchased a new to us SUV, we test drove a Tahoe a while back and Ehren LOVED IT, and so we had the chance to test drive a few others and after a lot of searching ended up buying one. I highly recommend though, NOT to buy from Sand's Chevrolet at either location! Horrible sales and service when buying a vehicle as well as liars. But anyways....we now love our truck and drove it to Flagstaff. It was around Four in the afternoon when it started snowing...and snowing....... and then snowing even heavier that we decided to head home!That was a awesome trip and of all the times we have gone with Donovan and Morgan were little, it never actually started snowing when we were up there. It got so heavy that as we were driving home, we could barely see the cars in front of us so we took the drive home very slowly and carefully! Morgan made the basketball on her school's JV team and was the second tallest. She's one of the Eagles! She did so great and was the spitting image of my sister when she use to play. Morgan did so well on the team! She played position 6, or what I refer to her as the rebounder, lol. Basketball and I never got along so I don't know all the lingo for it but I LOVED watching her and Dono both play. Morgan went from being very timid to getting in there and taking the ball when needed and throwing her weight around, which isn't much, lol. The Lady Eagles JV team went on to the finals. They played really well the entire season and only lost one game and it was to that very same team that they lost at the final. We were very proud of her! If I wasn't already busy with kids, a husband, and school part time, I aquired a part time job that I actually in fact LOVE. It's not my dream job of an Interior Designer....but a few more years of school and I will hopefully have it. I am working at Crazy 8 which is Gymoree owned children's clothing store with similar clothes. Everyone on our team is great to work with and I enjoy each day I work there. I volunteered for the kids field day at school and had such a blast! I helped at the 2 lap relay and got to see Donovan and Morgan interact with their friends and I was relieved that they weren't too cool to hang out with their mom or give me hugs still! Made me so happy to see them happy! I got to see one of Morgan's friend's beat the entire school by running the two laps which is half a mile at 1 minute and 12 seconds! Donovan came in third place in his class and sixth place in the 8th grade and Morgan was 5th in her class. It was hot out but was a blast and I plan on doing it again next year as long as I can get a playdate or sitter set up for Cali. Cali turned 4 this year. My baby is growing so fast!!! She is much like a sour patch kid, sour at time and sweet at others, lol. She is definitely our sassy one. She tries to get away with everything and when as usual she doesn't get what she wants its....loads of fun! She definitely gives us some really good laughs at times. For a long time she stopped taking naps and then all of a sudden again this year she has been napping again. I'm not complaining one bit because it is usually cuddle time and I love watching her fall asleep but it is usually with me scratching her back. Someday's as of late she has been fighting it and ending up crashing in the oddest places. One day we found her under the table and another day in her rocking chair in her room, and then a couple of weeks ago on the couch. I am definitely going to miss all this since we feel we our family is complete and she will start Preschool come August. She will go three days a week and the other two days I will be at school. Man, things are going to get busy in a couple of months!

Another thing that happened to us this past year was my only son promoted to high school. I was overcome with emotion. It was a bittersweet day and still some days it makes me cry that he is growing up so fast. We sat just a few rows back from him to the right and got to see the back of his head the whole time. He was acknowledged for being on Student council all year. As soon as they showed his baby picture on the projection screen I started balling. I eventually stopped. Some of our family was able to make it so we took some photos afterwards, gave Donovan his gifts, which we got him a CTR ring, and a few other things, and then went out to dinner.
We were given two kittens to foster that a friend found abandoned outside her house and these kittens were skinny and tiny...just barely four weeks old. So I took them to a vet, fed them, finally got them nursed back to a healthy weight. We just two weeks ago found a home for the boy, he was a cute little bat faced black kitten and the girl is an orange tabby that my family wouldn't let me find a home for. She is a very sweet little thing as well as fiesty when she wants to play. The family (which I got out voted) decided to call her Pepper. Korra instantly took to her as were Gingy...well she is stilling not sure about Pepper. Either way she will come around eventually. Korra on the other hand, has totally stepped in like a mommy. She bathes Pepper, carries her around, cuddles with her, watches over her when Gingy is around since Gingy will still swat and hiss at Pepper, and plays with her.
Morgan has claimed Pepper as hers, lol but Cali will argue that one.
As of now, we are just enjoying our time together this summer having as many friends over as they kids can, playing games, and swimming as often as possible. This year we have used our pool the most we ever have. We all (ok maybe not Donovan as he was blessed with dark Olive skin)are sporting some decent tans this year. I decided I needed to stop living in fear of the sun and get out there and have fun swimming too! Well, I better get off of here, I have a date with my family in the pool this evening! Hope everyone is doing well and having a great year! I will definitely try to keep up on my blog more this year!